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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25240939">I'm not a hero I'm to blame</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/silvermoongirl10/pseuds/silvermoongirl10'>silvermoongirl10</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Blue Bloods (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode Related, Episode: s03e22 The Bitter End, Episode: s03e23 This Way Out, Family, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2019-07-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2019-07-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 04:08:28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,283</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25240939</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/silvermoongirl10/pseuds/silvermoongirl10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Two shot, following the season 3 finale. </p><p>'He needed to see Jamie. He had already buried one grandson and he knew how close he had come to burying a second.' Henry is determined to save Jamie from the emotional turmoil and guilt following Vinny's death, even if it means he has to fight with Frank to get Frank to realise Jamie needs his dad the most right now.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Danny Reagan &amp; Jamie Reagan, Henry Reagan &amp; Jamie Reagan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This two shot isn't related to my other one shots 'It's Okay' and 'Moving Forward'.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Henry sat silent in Danny's car, he and Danny were going to St. Victor's to bring Jamie back to the house. After getting a phone call from Baker and telling the family about Jamie and Vinny Frank had left the house and gone to his office. While Henry understood that Frank was kept busy by his job and that sometimes he had to make sacrifices as a father because he was the Police Commissioner and his sons in his Police Force, Henry didn't know why Frank had been keeping such a huge distance between himself and Jamie.</p><p>Earlier in the week when Jamie could only watch as a young woman jumped off a building holding her infant son Henry had ready a few bottles of beer and sat waiting for Jamie to come over. But Jamie hadn't come and Frank gave no indication that he had even spoken to Jamie. Henry the next day had then called Jamie to check up on him, he could hear in Jamie's voice that he was still processing what had happened. And this made Henry wonder why Frank hadn't spoken to Jamie, out of all the family members that had been on the force, Joe included. Jamie had always been the one who felt pain anytime he felt he had failed to help someone. Henry remembered all too clearly the emotional turmoil Jamie suffered after the shooting of Gavin Bryant and how Frank took Jamie aside and throughout the week offered Jamie advice and comfort. Frank had even offered Jamie advice and comfort when the 12th was threatened by former Officer Mendoza. So Henry was confused as to why Frank appeared to be avoiding Jamie when the young woman's suicide hadn't brought troubles from the media like the Gavin Bryant shooting had done.</p><p>Henry was pulled from his thoughts when Danny announced they had arrived. As they entered the E.R Henry's eyes darted across the room, he wanted to see Jamie. He <em>needed</em> to see Jamie. He had already buried one grandson and he knew how close he had come to burying a second. Even though he had made sure he didn't have favourites amongst his grandchildren, he had always been closer to Jamie. Henry had always thought it was because Jamie was a perfect mixture of the family. He had Mary's calm and quiet attitude, Frank's sense of right and wrong, Henry's (and Danny's) temper when the time called for it and the thing Henry loved the most about Jamie was Betty's caring attitude but also her stubbornness. Whenever someone argued with Jamie or tried to get Jamie to do something he didn't want he would get the same glint as Betty would in his sharp blue eyes that were a spitting image of Betty's. When he was on the second day of his ride along with Jamie, he could have sworn he was looking right at Betty's stubborn gaze. And what made Henry cherish Jamie so much was despite inheriting his grandma's stubbornness and his grandpa's temper (which could have been a deadly mixture if Jamie lost his temper like Danny) Jamie was still calm, quiet and a peacemaker like Joe. For Henry losing Jamie was not an option, losing Erin and Danny wasn't an option either, but Henry knew if the family lost Jamie then they would never recover because Jamie brought out the best in people. And when Henry closed his eyes he could still see the little boy sat beside him at Sunday dinner with wide anticipating eyes begging for another story and the wide grin that would break out over any little thing.</p><p>Henry spotted Renzulli and hastily walked over passing Danny. "Tony how is he?" asked Henry,</p><p>Renzulli sighed, "It's hard to tell"</p><p>"What do you mean hard to tell?!" demanded Danny, "either he's okay or he's not!"</p><p>"Danny" spoke Henry, with one word silencing his eldest grandson. "Tony?"</p><p>"It's just…he's got a bruise from the bullet hitting his vest and that's not what is worrying me. What's worrying me is that he hasn't said much. To every question asked he only gives short answers, sometimes he only answers 'yes' or 'no'" responded Renzulli scratching the back of his head.</p><p>Henry nodded and took a deep breathe, "Where is he?"</p><p>"I'll show ya" Renzulli softly replied and he guided Henry and Danny to the last cubicle. Henry nodded his thanks as he drew back the curtain and his eyes immediately fell on the figure sat on the bed. Henry had to blink back tears seeing Jamie's shoulders slumped and Jamie staring blankly at the wall in front of him. Jamie was still in his uniform and Henry knew whenever Jamie put it on he always stood taller, so seeing Jamie look so defeated it tore at Henry's heart strings. Henry heard a gasp behind him and knew Danny upon seeing Jamie was feeling the same heart wrenching emotions that he was.</p><p>Danny edged forward slowly until he was stood in front of Jamie and crouched down so he and Jamie were at the same eye level. But to Henry it looked as if Jamie was looking straight through Danny, Henry found his feet couldn't move, he could barely hold himself together seeing Jamie like this.</p><p>"Hey kid, this is what the third time you've come here in six months? Do you want me to speak to Linda and see if any volunteer jobs are going?" asked Danny softly as a way of trying to get rid of the visible tension that Jamie was feeling. But the only answer Danny received was for Jamie's blank and unseeing eyes to blink once. Danny braced an arm on the bed beside Jamie and lowered his head for a few moments looking at the floor, and when he looked back up Henry could see his eyes were red from trying not to cry. Henry clenched his eyes shut finding it harder keeping his tears at bay seeing his grandsons like this.</p><p>Danny clenched his hand on the bed into a fist so he was gripping the bed sheet. "Jamie" choked Danny, "kid please you gotta speak to me, let me know you're alright!" pleaded Danny. But again Jamie remained silent. Danny's phone then rang and Henry tuned him out as he finally took a few steps closer to Jamie. But seeing those eyes, the spitting image of his beloved Betty's eyes, blank of all emotion and seeing no trace of the mischievous child Jamie used to be almost broke Henry.</p><p>"Damn it!" cursed Danny quietly, Henry was broken out of his trance and peeled his eyes away from Jamie and looked at a now standing Danny questioningly. "I've been put on the Bitterman case" Danny stated not looking at Henry but at Jamie.</p><p>"You'd better go then" commented Henry,</p><p>"But-" Danny's gaze snapped from Jamie to look over at Henry,</p><p>"No buts, I'm sure Renzulli will give me and Jamie a ride back to the house" assured Henry.</p><p>"But I can't leave him like this grandpa! He's my brother!" choked Danny,</p><p>"I know" responded Henry walking to Danny and placed a hand on Danny's shoulder, "but what will help Jamie the most is closure and that will only happen when the situation at the Bitterman houses is solved with Los Lordes behind bars. So to help your brother Danny you need to go back out there"</p><p>Danny stood silent for a few moments, then he nodded and knelt in front of Jamie again, "I'll see you later kid okay?" standing he squeezed Jamie's arm and when he again got no response from Jamie his look hardened and as he passed Henry he growled "those punks are <em>dead</em>" and then Danny was gone.</p><p>Henry watched as Danny disappeared through the curtain and looked back at Jamie when he heard a soft murmur "dead".</p><p>Henry rushed in front of Jamie, "Jamie?"</p><p>"Vinny's dead. And it's my fault" spoke Jamie in a broken voice.</p><p>"No it's not! You did everything you could" comforted Henry as he tried to ignore the bruise on Jamie's shoulder that was just visible.</p><p>"It wasn't enough" choked Jamie, Henry then sat beside Jamie on the bed and turned himself and Jamie so he had his arms wrapped around Jamie and Jamie's head rested on the crook in his shoulder.</p><p>Renzulli popped his head around the curtain and softly said, "The Doc says he can leave, I saw Danny leave do you need a ride?"</p><p>"Yeah thanks" responded Henry,</p><p>"Bay Ridge?" checked Renzulli, Henry nodded so Renzulli backed out of the cubicle.</p><p>"Come on Jamie I'm taking you back to the house" said Henry, it broke his heart further when he had to help Jamie to stand and when he had to guide Jamie out of the E.R, normally Jamie would be complaining that he didn't need any help. But now he remained silent with his eyes trained on the ground. Henry mused that the Bitterman houses had been given the right name because Vinny had lost his life there and Jamie seemed to have lost himself there. But temporarily, Henry was determined not to lose his youngest grandson to this unjust tragedy.</p>
<hr/><p>After arriving at the house Jamie had remained completely still and stood rigid as the other members of the family hugged him. But Henry could see that Jamie was looking for Frank and Henry could see the disappointment in Jamie's eyes when he realized Frank wasn't there. Once the others had let go of Jamie it was as if a switch had been turned on and Jamie had rushed up the stairs to his old bedroom. Erin had wanted to go after him but Henry had shook his head and had followed Jamie himself. Henry entered Jamie's room to see Jamie sat on his bed rubbing his hands together.</p><p>"Jamie what are you doing?" asked Henry softly nearing the bed.</p><p>"There's still blood on my hands" Jamie replied in a broken whisper as he looked down at his red tinged hands.</p><p>Henry held out a hand, "Come on" Jamie looked at Henry's hand and then took the offered hand. Henry then led Jamie to the bathroom and turned on the tap and put Jamie's hands under the flow of water.</p><p>Grinning Henry held up the soap, "this is the soap your grandma swore by, she claimed it was the best soap that would clean anything, grass stains or blood, off of kids". So Henry began to gently scrub Jamie's hands and within minutes the slight red tinge on Jamie's hands faded.</p><p>"Guess grandma was right" commented Jamie quietly,</p><p>"I knew <em>that</em> she and I used it enough times on you to know she was right! You were the most accident prone child we ever dealt with! You even called the soap the 'magic soap'" chuckled Henry recalling all the times Jamie was covered in cuts and scrapes asking his grandparents for the 'magic soap' to make the cuts and scrapes stop hurting. Jamie's mouth twitched slightly as if he was about to smile. He didn't smile and it wasn't anywhere near Jamie's normal wide grin but given all that Jamie had been through this week Henry would take whatever he got and counted it as a win. Jamie was on the road to getting back to himself.</p>
<hr/><p>Half an hour later Henry got a call from Garrett that if Jamie wanted to he could accompany Frank and his CO to go and see Vinny's parents. Within minutes Jamie was stood outside the house with Henry beside him waiting for Frank's detail to arrive.</p><p>"Grandpa should I be going?" asked Jamie not looking at Henry and wondering if he had enough time to back out of going to see Vinny's parents.</p><p>"Why are you asking Jamie?" questioned Henry with a frown.</p><p>"It's just…I don't want to cause them anymore pain" admitted Jamie quietly.</p><p>"Jamie you won't be causing them anymore pain" responded Henry trying to catch Jamie's gaze.</p><p>"But their son is dead and I was with him and I'm not dead!" choked Jamie finally meeting Henry's gaze.</p><p>"Jamie they won't blame you" soothed Henry,</p><p>"How can you be so sure?" asked Jamie brokenly,</p><p>"Because I have done enough condolence calls in my time to know" Henry replied. Before Jamie could say anything the detail arrived and Henry walked with Jamie down to the street, the door of the SUV was opened and for a second Jamie hesitated. Henry smiled encouragingly and gave Jamie a small nudge. Jamie nodded and then climbed into the SUV, after closing the door Henry turned and went back into the house.</p><p>Inside the SUV as Jamie took a seat he found himself sat opposite his CO and dad.</p><p>His CO, Captain Brooks, gave him a small smile, "Reagan"</p><p>"Captain. Commissioner" responded Jamie nodding respectfully.</p><p>"You did well in trying to save Officer Cruz" said Brooks as Frank just looked at Jamie.</p><p>"Thank you sir" Jamie replied finding it difficult keeping his voice neutral. All he wanted was to be a kid again when he could go to his dad at any time with anything. Now he had to sit silent in front of his dad and only speak when invited to. Soon enough they arrived at the Cruz's which was a small, but pleasant house. He remembered after meeting Hector and Vinny revealed he had grown up in the Bitterman houses Jamie had asked if his family still lived there because Jamie knew Vinny didn't. Vinny had then explained that soon after he had joined the Academy his parents had finally had enough money saved that they, with Vinny's younger sister, moved out of the Bitterman houses and didn't look back.</p><p>The condolence call to Vinny's parents was worse than Jamie ever imagined, they didn't blame him. No. They <em>thanked</em> him. Thanked him for doing everything he could to save Vinny. Jamie would have preferred them shout at him and hate him for surviving when Vinny had lost his life. But Mrs Cruz just embraced him and said Vinny was lucky to have a friend and partner like him and said she was glad he had got out unharmed and called him a hero for getting to Vinny risking his own safety to do so. Hearing this Jamie slipped into a daze his mind being assaulted again and again with images of Vinny dying.</p><p>The drive back to the house was silent, and still Frank said nothing to him. Jamie began to wonder if he had done anything wrong. Was his dad angry that he didn't stop Vinny from entering the Bitterman houses without backup as they were supposed to? Jamie wanted to ask this but he wouldn't dare with his CO sat in front of him. The SUV stopped outside the house and Jamie was brought out of his daze and realized his hands were shaking, he clenched his hands into fists but knew it was pointless he could see his dad and Brooks had noticed his shaking hands.</p><p>"The funeral will be on Tuesday" spoke Brooks gently, "and you will be back on duty on Wednesday so try to rest up a little alright?" Jamie looked at Brooks' eyes and could see genuine sympathy and concern, but when he looked at his dad all he saw was the Commissioner mask.</p><p>Jamie cleared his throat and nodded, "thank you sir. Captain, Commissioner" and then Jamie clambered out of the SUV not feeling Garrett's gentle pat on his shoulder. Jamie kept his eyes fixed on the house and tried with all he had to stop his hands shaking. Just before he reached the door it opened and stood in the doorway was Henry, his small smile disappeared when he saw Jamie.</p><p>Henry looked at Jamie and didn't know what to say, Jamie was pale, had a pained look across his face, his shoulders were tense and he was trying to stop his hands from shaking.</p><p>Henry ushered Jamie inside and closed the door and turned to see Jamie with shaky hands trying to undo the buttons on his uniform. Henry was thankful he had got Linda and Erin to leave with the kids because he knew seeing Jamie like this would only hurt them and Jamie needed space to sort through his emotions.</p><p>"Jamie what's wrong?!" asked Henry trying to keep the worry and concern out of his voice.</p><p>"Mrs Cruz" answered Jamie struggling to undo the first button.</p><p>"What about her?" asked Henry as he gently nudged Jamie's hands out of the way and undid the buttons and gently removed the jacket of Jamie's uniform off of his shoulders.</p><p>"She called me a hero for getting to Vinny" said Jamie in a broken voice looking at the floor.</p><p>"You are-" began Henry.</p><p>"No I'm not!" bellowed Jamie grabbing his hair, "I'm to blame! I should have stopped him! We shouldn't have gone into the Bitterman houses without backup and I didn't stop him! It's my fault! And I'm sure dad is thinking the same thing!"</p><p>"Wait! Hold on there! What gives you the idea your father is thinking that? What has he said to you?" demanded Henry.</p><p>"Nothing. He hasn't said anything to me since before the suicide" mumbled Jamie.</p><p>Henry felt fury bubble up inside him. He loved his son fiercely but sometimes he wanted to bash Frank's head against a wall. It was obvious Jamie would have been pale and had shaking hands in the ride back from the Cruz's. So Henry was angry that even though Jamie's CO was with them Frank should have spoken to Jamie protocol be damned. If it was any other Officer Frank would have said something. But because Jamie was his son he had to be careful to make sure he didn't appear to be giving Jamie special treatment. But in this situation would anyone really think that? No they wouldn't.</p><p>"Well it isn't your fault Jamie. <em>Never</em> think that!" commented Henry firmly.</p><p>Jamie nodded and then said, "Captain Brooks said I'm off duty until Wednesday. What am I doing until then?"</p><p>"Stay here" responded Henry. Jamie nodded and walked up the stairs, not arguing like he would have normally done. Henry looked up and softly murmured "Betty. Mary. Joe. Give him the strength he needs to get through this. We can't lose him."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was now Tuesday, the day of Vinny's funeral. And despite Jamie having been in the house since Sunday Henry knew Frank had said nothing to Jamie. Henry could see how Jamie was struggling with his emotions and the guilt he shouldn't be feeling and he felt for sure Frank would say something about this. But he hadn't. Henry was sat in a pew with Erin, Linda, Frank and Danny, he would have liked to have had Jamie sat beside him but Jamie was a pall bearer and so would sat in a different pew. When waiting for Vinny's coffin to arrive with his family everyone was chatting quietly to themselves.</p><p>Danny turned to Henry, "How has Jamie been? I would have come over but the case-"</p><p>"I know Danny" smiled Henry, but then his smile darkened. "Jamie has been holding up the best he can under the circumstances"</p><p>"Has he been sleeping alright?" asked Danny his eyes bright with concern.</p><p>"Again the best he can with what has happened" replied Henry grimly. Truth was he had sat in the chair in Jamie's room for most of the night so he would be there to help Jamie get a good night's sleep. Knowing the funeral would cause the nightmares to be worse, which it had.</p><p>Then everyone in the church fell silent at the same moment when they saw Vinny's family walk down the aisle to their seats at the front. Everyone then stood to attention as the coffin passed them. As the coffin passed Henry all he wanted was to reach out and gently squeeze Jamie's arm to comfort him but he just barely managed to hold himself back. And could only stand back as Jamie walked past his eyes staring straight ahead not even registering he was passing his family.</p><p>Throughout the service Henry kept one eye on what was happening at the front of the church, but his other eye was on Jamie. When Vinny's father went up to the front and thanked all of the people who served with Vinny and thanked Jamie for everything he did that fateful day Henry watched as Jamie lowered his head. Henry wanted to get up and walk across the aisle to bring Jamie in for a tight embrace but all he could do was watch as Renzulli put a comforting and reassuring arm around Jamie.</p><p>After the service Frank needed to go back to his office and Henry watched as Jamie's eyes followed Frank. Henry knew despite him telling Jamie that Frank didn't blame Jamie for Vinny's death he knew Jamie wouldn't believe him until Frank spoke to him. Henry almost approached Frank, pulled him back and pushed him towards Jamie but Jamie then turned and walked away. Henry saw Frank stop and turn, Frank looked on as Jamie walked away with an unreadable expression. Henry unable to watch as Frank did nothing to go and speak to Jamie turned and followed Jamie down the street to Danny's car.</p><p>Erin and Linda were in Erin's car and decided to go for a drink, to banish the dark thoughts that they could have been burying Jamie that day. When Danny drove Henry and Jamie back to the house. Jamie then realized where he was going.</p><p>"Grandpa why are we going back to the house? I'm back on duty tomorrow so shouldn't I go back to my apartment?" questioned Jamie.</p><p>"I just thought for the next week as you get back into routine it would be best if you came home to other people instead of an empty apartment" replied Henry, he turned in the passenger seat to see Jamie nod in understanding. While this was a reason why Henry wanted Jamie at the house, he also wanted to keep Jamie there until Frank spoke to him.</p><p>When Danny stopped the car outside the house Jamie silently got out and headed towards the front door.</p><p>"Grandpa he'll be okay won't he?" asked Danny in a small voice watching his younger brother walk up to the house slowly, almost dragging his feet.</p><p>"Give him time Danny and he'll soon be back to his normal self" comforted Henry, not adding what he was thinking. <em>He'd get better faster if only your father took the time to speak to him</em>. Sighing Danny nodded, Henry patted Danny's shoulder. "Look why don't you call Erin and the two of you come over tomorrow evening and let's see if that will help him. He might want to talk to you then because he's going back on duty tomorrow"</p><p>"Too soon" said Danny,</p><p>"What is?" asked Henry frowning out of confusion.</p><p>"Jamie going back on duty. It's too soon" responded Danny turning to look at Henry with worry and fear reflecting in his eyes. "What if he freezes? What if he gets called back to the Bitterman houses and they have another go at him? What if-"</p><p>"You can't think about the 'what ifs' Danny. You just can't. And Jamie is exactly the same as you he can't stay away from the job for too long. He'll be fine, he told me he's being partnered up with Renzulli again. Tony will make sure he's alright, being back on duty might even help him get back to his normal self quicker" Henry commented before getting out of the car.</p><hr/><p>When Danny and Erin arrived the next evening they saw Jamie and Henry drinking beer watching the TV.</p><p>"Hey kid how are you?" asked Danny taking a seat opposite Jamie.</p><p>Jamie narrowed his eyes as he bit out, "I'm fine. I wish everyone would stop asking me that"</p><p>An awkward silence took over the room and Danny looked across at Jamie almost desperately. He wanted to say something to Jamie but he just didn't know what.</p><p>"How was your tour Jamie?" asked Erin as a way of defusing the tension, but she only ignited it further.</p><p>"Oh just <em>great</em>" snarked Jamie, "just answering questions about how I am and giving directions"</p><p>"Maybe that's for the best" commented Danny, "I mean after what has happened it's probably better that-"</p><p>"That I what? Stay away from the case?!" snapped Jamie, "I want to help catch the killer of my partner and friend and the last time I checked that didn't involve handing out directions to tourists!" he then stood slamming his empty beer bottle on the coffee table and stormed into the kitchen.</p><p>Danny turned to Henry, "I thought you said getting back on duty would help, but instead of not saying anything he's getting angry!"</p><p>"Danny put yourself in his position. And it's like what I told you at the E.R, once this case is solved he will start to get back to normal" replied Henry. The room was silent when Jamie returned with another beer and sank back down onto the couch not looking at the others in the room. The four of them watched the TV and their mouths fell open when the news came on saying the Mayor had been shot.</p><p>After Jamie had stormed out of the room and Danny had left soon followed by Erin, Henry went to find Jamie. Henry found Jamie on the back porch just looking up at the stars, Henry smiled slightly. Looking at the stars was something Betty would get Jamie to do when he was a toddler to help him calm down and get to sleep.</p><p>Henry lowered himself onto the step beside his grandson "Jamie are you-"</p><p>"Don't grandpa, just <em>please</em> don't ask if I'm okay. Because evidently I'm not" interrupted Jamie looking at Henry from the corner of his eye.</p><p>"Now why do you say that?" asked Henry resting his arms on his knees and turned slightly so he was facing Jamie.</p><p>"Because I'm just so<em> angry. All the time.</em> And I just snap at anyone" admitted Jamie softly.</p><p>"You're just going through a tough time Jamie, so it's expected that your emotions will be all over the place" said Henry as he wrapped an arm around Jamie's shoulders and together they looked up at the stars.</p><hr/><p>Henry looked out of the living room window and watched as Erin dropped Jamie off. Henry knew that Jamie wanted to speak to Frank about something and that he wanted Erin to go with him. Henry angrily thought that this would have been the first time in two weeks that Frank had spoken to Jamie.</p><p>As Jamie walked through the door Henry made his way over, "So how did it go?"</p><p>"Fine" replied Jamie as he walked past and made his way up the stairs and headed to his room. Henry frowned, to any question all Jamie seemed to reply with was 'fine' and what saddened Henry further was that Jamie seemed to be purposefully hiding himself away in his room. Henry decided that Frank's silence to Jamie had gone on long enough, he had given Frank many chances to speak to Jamie and Frank hadn't even taken the time to do so. And even though Jamie and gone to see Frank that evening Frank can't have said anything to soothe Jamie's concerns, if anything he may have made things worse. So now Henry was going to outright make Frank speak to Jamie. He grudgingly accepted that it would have to be the next day because of the late hour.</p><p>An hour later Frank walked through the door, "Evening pop, I thought you'd be asleep" commented Frank as he retrieved a beer and sat at the kitchen table opposite Henry.</p><p>"I would have been but I wanted to wait awhile until I was sure Jamie had got himself to sleep" replied Henry leaning back in his chair.</p><p>"He came to see me in my office tonight" spoke Frank taking a sip from his beer,</p><p>"I know" stated Henry, "He came home looking as if he was having an inner conflict taking place in his head. So I told him to speak to Erin because I know she wanted to do something to help him and her advice might just be able to help him. So I see it did"</p><p>"Didn't he tell you?" asked Frank frowning slightly.</p><p>"No. All he said when he came home was 'fine'. To be honest Francis he isn't saying much. The guilt is eating him alive" said Henry quietly trying to blink away the images of Jamie's eyes that held so much anger, fear and guilt.</p><p>"He seemed fine this evening" mused Frank,</p><p>"Well he would" at Frank's questioning look Henry continued, "Your opinion means everything to him and he hangs off your every word. So he would want to show you he is coping with what happened"</p><p>"I know he is" replied Frank nodding his head,</p><p>Henry shook his head, "That's just the thing Francis. He's not"</p><p>"What do you mean?" gaped Frank,</p><p>"I've said enough tonight, I'm sure Jamie wouldn't want me to be saying anything to you on the subject. Just…think about what I said Francis" commented Henry softly before he rose to his feet and bidding Frank goodnight he left the room. And hoped that Frank would listen to him and now speak to Jamie.</p><hr/><p>The next day Frank came straight home after speaking to Mayor Poole in the hospital, he walked into the living room where he saw Henry sat on the couch looking through some old photo albums.</p><p>"Hi pop" greeted Frank,</p><p>"Evening Francis. Any developments on the case?" Henry didn't need to specify which case, the whole city knew what it was.</p><p>"We got them. The D.A. is drawing up the warrants and tomorrow Los Lordes will be taken into custody" smiled Frank in relief.</p><p>"Good. Hopefully that will help Jamie" nodded Henry looking down and smiling at a photo of him, Betty and a six year old Jamie sat on his lap.</p><p>"Is he here?" asked Frank looking around,</p><p>"No, he came home about twenty minutes ago but then decided to go for a walk" commented Henry looking up.</p><p>Frank nodded and leaned back, "Where did he go?"</p><p>"He's stressed out who did he go to when he felt like that growing up? Joe. Why would that be any different now?" replied Henry hoping Frank would stand up and go find Jamie.</p><p>Frank just nodded again. Henry frowned. "Francis go find him and <em>talk</em> to him. When Jamie came to see you last night that was the first time you've spoken to him in two weeks!"</p><p>"I've been busy pop" sighed Frank,</p><p>"I know. But Jamie has been staying in the <em>same</em> house as you and you still said nothing to him! You called Danny about getting hit on the head with a bottle and yet you said <em>nothing</em> to Jamie! Who watched as a young woman jumped off a building with her baby boy! And then had his friend and partner <em>die in his arms</em>!" exploded Henry standing up.</p><p>Frank looked up at Henry in shock, "But-"</p><p>"But nothing Francis. He thinks you blame him for Vinny's death!"</p><p>"He <em>what</em>?!" exclaimed Frank, "How could he think that? It wasn't his fault, the fault of Vinny's death lies with the person who pulled the trigger. Pop please tell me he hasn't being going around these past few days thinking that!"</p><p>"I'm sorry Francis. But if told you that then I'd be lying" murmured Henry.</p><p>Frank put his head in his hands, "<em>Why</em>? Why does he think I blame him?"</p><p>Henry slowly lowered himself back onto the couch and rested a hand on Frank's shoulder. "Because he knew they shouldn't have gone in there without backup and he feels that he should have done more to get Vinny out of the firing line. He thinks it's his fault because he guessed it was a set-up and was standing nearer the wall, so he thinks he let Vinny get shot"</p><p>Frank turned his head and in his eyes Henry could see sadness and guilt, "Pop. What have I done?"</p><p>"What do you mean Francis?" asked Henry,</p><p>"I've seen. And known. Cops who couldn't deal with the guilt from situations like this and they felt ending their lives was the only solution left to them. How did I not see he was feeling guilty?" pleaded Frank.</p><p>Henry sighed, "Because Jamie wants us to know he can do the job and doesn't want us to think he should have stayed in Law. So he hides how he feels and you said it yourself, you were busy so you couldn't see what Jamie was doing"</p><p>"That's no excuse. I'm his father I should <em>know</em> when he's hiding something. And does he really still think we think he should go back to Law? I admit at first I didn't want him to join the force, but I knew he really wanted it so I never thought he should go back to Law" spoke Frank leaning back on the couch.</p><p>"He really thinks that?" Henry and Frank turned to see Danny stood in the doorway wide eyed.</p><p>"Danny when did you get here?" asked Henry standing up wondering how much of the conversation Danny had heard.</p><p>"Just after dad" responded Danny. "Is Jamie really in that bad of a place that he would think about…you know…"</p><p>"He wouldn't" assured Henry firmly, "He has all of us looking out for him"</p><p>"But what if he has everything under control but then something triggers the bad memories! I need to go find him!" exclaimed Danny.</p><p>"No Danny" stated Frank standing up.</p><p>"Dad!-"</p><p>"No. Because it's about time <em>I</em> speak to him" stressed Frank before he turned and left the house missing Henry's relieved smile.</p><p>Henry could still see Danny wanted to go and find Jamie himself and make sure his younger brother was alright. "Come and sit down Danny your dad will make sure Jamie is alright"</p><p>Danny cast one more look at the door before he reluctantly made his way over to Henry. He saw the photo album on the coffee table and couldn't help but smile seeing the photo of six year old Jamie with his wide grin that was very familiar to the family. They knew something was wrong if Jamie wasn't smiling, and Danny knew it had been a very long time since Jamie had smiled like that. Danny's smile faded when he remembered it had been after Joe's death when Jamie had stopped smiling the wide grin, Danny had caught a glimpse of it when Jamie graduated the Acadmey but it hadn't been the same.</p><p>Frank was thinking the same thoughts as he walked down the street towards the cemetery berating himself for letting Jamie go through his emotions alone after the two traumatic events he had been involved in during the past week.</p><hr/><p>Frank walked through the cemetery gates and made the familiar short walk to where his mother, wife and middle son where buried. In the dusk as he neared the graves he could make out Jamie sat in front of Joe's headstone.</p><p>While Jamie was unaware of his approach Frank took the opportunity to observe Jamie. Knowing his youngest son like he did Frank could see that Jamie was having an internal battle, his heart clenched knowing he had caused part of Jamie's suffering.</p><p>"Jamie" spoke Frank as he sat beside Jamie.</p><p>"Dad what are you doing here?" asked Jamie as he sat up straighter,</p><p>"I came to find you" said Frank as he looked at Jamie.</p><p>"Why?" questioned Jamie looking at Frank trying to keep his voice neutral.</p><p>"Because I have become aware that you are feeling guilty for something that wasn't your fault" stated Frank watching Jamie's reaction closely,</p><p>"I don't know what you're talking about dad" Jamie replied shrugging his shoulders as he looked straight ahead at the headstone.</p><p>"Jamie Vinny's death wasn't your fault" empathised Frank, Jamie began shaking his head. "No Jamie it <em>wasn't</em>. And I hate to think you put all the blame on yourself when you should be carrying <em>no</em> blame at <em>all</em>"</p><p>Jamie snapped his head around to face Frank, "But I should have stopped him from going into the houses! I should have-"</p><p>"Should have what? Stopped him from doing his <em>job.</em> Jamie he made the choice to into the Bitterman houses and you made the choice to follow him, despite you both knowing the risks. And because of that I am <em>proud</em> of <em>both of you</em>" admitted Frank looking Jamie straight in the eye so Jamie could see he was telling the truth, not some half-hearted comfort. Seeing the look in his father's eyes Jamie could see that Frank had been worried about the situation Jamie had been in but he was proud nevertheless. And Jamie could clearly see his dad never blamed him for Vinny's death by not waiting for backup.</p><p>"Dad, I keep thinking I failed him. It feels like I did nothing to help him" choked Jamie rubbing his eyes to get rid of his tears.</p><p>"You didn't fail him Jamie, you did anything but. You risked your life to save him, if it wasn't for the fatal injury you would have saved him" soothed Frank squeezing Jamie's arm comfortingly.</p><p>"I keep thinking about how close I was stood next to him and how easily the shot I took could have been fatal like the shot Vinny took" admitted Jamie in a soft whisper rubbing his shoulder and staring out at nothing as the memories washed over him. Frank shivered seeing Jamie rub the shoulder that been bruised from being shot, thinking about how close he had come to burying Jamie beside Joe. And just thanked whoever saved Jamie that day, he turned his attention back to his son as Jamie continued. "Vinny should never have died, it could have easily been me and a part of me thinks that it <em>should</em> have been me!"</p><p>"Jamie" choked Frank,</p><p>"I'm sorry dad. I really am" cried Jamie as he bowed his head and tears rolled down his face.</p><p>Frank leaned forward and tightly hugged Jamie, "Shhh Jamie it's alright I'm here shhh" soothed Frank as he rubbed Jamie's back.</p><p>Jamie rested his head on Frank's shoulder and felt the comfort and protection he had felt when growing up. "I'm sor-"</p><p>"Don't Jamie" Frank softly ordered.</p><p>"But I've caused the whole family to be worried!" sobbed Jamie,</p><p>"You have nothing to be sorry for" Frank firmly but gently stated and held onto Jamie tighter, afraid that if he let go Jamie would be lost to him. Frank wondered if this was the first time since the Bitterman mess started that Jamie had let out his emotions. "That's it Jamie let it out"</p><p>Minutes past, but to Frank hearing his youngest son's anguish made it feel like hours. Jamie lifted his head and Frank reluctantly ended the hug, but he kept a hand on each of Jamie's shoulders. As if this would help keep Jamie upright and keep away all the dangers that threatened his son.</p><p>"Dad do you think I could still do the job?" asked Jamie in a hoarse voice not quite meeting Frank's gaze.</p><p>"Why do you ask?" questioned Frank trying to capture Jamie's gaze.</p><p>"After what has happened-" started Jamie,</p><p>"Jamie listen to me. I have seen many cops do the job and you are one of the ones that I have no doubt in being the best. And I'm not saying that because you are my son. Jamie you have this inner strength that enables you to cope with some of the worst things that a cop can see doing the job. I have <em>no doubt</em> that you can. And <em>will</em>. Continue to do the job. To put it simply Jamie, the force needs more cops like you" smiled Frank. Jamie stared wide eyed at Frank in disbelief and Frank nodded telling Jamie he really felt what he had just said.</p><p>"Sorry for making you come out here dad" apologized Jamie looking slightly sheepish.</p><p>Frank shook his head smiling, "No apology needed son, I'm your father and I will always be here for you. And to be honest this I can deal with"</p><p>"What do you mean?" asked Jamie frowning in confusion.</p><p>"That it is easier to help you when you are upset because you just come here. It's a little more difficult to help Danny when he goes on a drunken rampage" smiled Frank. Jamie sat stunned for a moment before he started laughing, a sound Frank realized he hadn't heard in a long time and had missed.</p><hr/><p>Henry looked up hearing the front door open and close, he watched as Jamie and Frank entered the room. Henry smiled seeing Frank and Jamie smiling and Frank's arm around Jamie's shoulders.</p><p>Danny also smiled seeing the sight, "You okay kid?"</p><p>"Of course I am" replied Jamie, "I'm not the one who goes on drunken rampages"</p><p>"And what is <em>that</em> supposed to mean?!" demanded an affronted Danny,</p><p>"That I'm the good son that every Irish family has" smirked Jamie.</p><p>"You did <em>not</em> just say that" challenged Danny.</p><p>"I think I just did" sniggered Jamie, causing both Henry and Frank to burst out laughing.</p><p>Danny narrowed his eyes, "Right <em>that's </em>it" and then he lunged at Jamie hands outstretched. Jamie's eyes widened and then he swivelled out of the way and laughing he ran out to the backyard with Danny close behind.</p><p>"Sometimes you'd think they hadn't grown up" commented Henry as he stood up chuckling,</p><p>"Wouldn't have it any other way" smiled Frank,</p><p>"No we wouldn't" responded Henry smiling.</p><p>They then made their way onto the back porch where they watched Danny and Jamie playfully wrestling on the ground. Henry felt himself relax when he saw Jamie's eyes. They weren't unseeing, filled with guilt, sadness, anger or fear. They were filled with mirth, happiness and most important for Henry, mischief. Jamie's eyes were bright with laughter and that was when Henry knew Jamie would be alright. He knew it could take a while but for the moment messing around with Danny was helping Jamie get through the roller coaster of emotions caused by Vinny's death. The family would be with Jamie every step of the way and Henry was determined to see that Jamie would be back to his normal self.</p><p>Looking to his right side Henry's smile widened seeing Frank's smile. While Frank had gone after Jamie Henry had thought more about why Frank had kept his distance. He thought maybe subconsciously Frank had just been waiting for the next piece of bad news involving the Bitterman houses and Jamie. And maybe when hearing about the appearance of Los Lordes at the scene of Noni's suicide made Frank believe Jamie could be targeted for some unknown reason. Henry thought maybe Frank was trying to keep his distance to protect Jamie from being in the news and putting a spotlight on Jamie. While Henry didn't agree with Frank not saying anything to Jamie, he could maybe understand Frank's reasons, but Frank had spoken to Jamie and looked what happened. Jamie looked more relaxed than he had all week.</p><p>Jamie looked over at Henry when Danny picked up his dropped cell phone, "You okay grandpa?"</p><p>Seeing Jamie's wide grin that hadn't been seen in years Henry replied smiling, "Never better".</p>
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